The way to trick social media zombies into listening or taking advice from you is to go unusually slow and take lots of fake pauses; illustrate with analogies from sports and popular sitcoms whenever possible; make it seem more like gossip than your own personal reflection by claiming you just learned it from someone else; and put yourself on their level by claiming the person who told you was some brainiac, not regular folks “like us”; claim it’s a truth Obama embraces if they’re liberal, or rejects if they’re not; always pause generously and say “that’s actually a really good point” after any attempt they make, however feeble, to contribute to the subject matter; and always, always, always make them think they’re own comments contributed to the conclusion you want them to come to, even if they didn’t; keep the whole thing as short as possible with constant variation in volume, tone, and hand gestures to mimic the fluctuations of channel surfing; watch the eyes, if they begin to dart or glaze over then your next sentence should contain a curse word or sexual innuendo.
